It's been a minute my mind and my hands have found that flow to converse and express, have matched their steps to tango and happened to be writing about something unpleasant tonight. What I am about to write, it might be controversial to some, some might judge me as a cold person who does not seem to care about certain family values and emotions, some might take it to extreme to consider me as a practitioner of cultural cringe or alienation. However, I will merely be revealing that fine line where cultural values and practices turn into cultural abuse and traumas, one of many traumas we, the greatest creation of all, carry within us, and if we are unlucky, bury/burn them with us when we die.
This post is not about sharing stories of cultural abuse and trauma rather providing with an insight that will lead to understanding of when one's culture gets to a level of abuse and before it turns into trauma one should hold that power to put a stop sign, a comically loud one in fact. This is something I came with into this world, any sort of limitations and expectations suffocate me as I am running out of oxygen, if you know the feeling. I simply cannot compromise my free flowing spirit, for nobody, for no values, for no faiths and for no culture. However, I immensely enjoy knowing and experiencing different cultures, that warm and welcoming side of any culture until they start to get absurd in a sense that they demand you to be someone else that you are not, they violate your existence, your core and your sovereignty.
I have shared this only with two closest people of mine before sharing it here, my cultural trauma, that red banarasi saree and the loads of **** or piles of **** that come with it, is enough for me to say "yeah nah! I am outta here!". Well, that's a long story, a story of never ending expectations. Expectations that limit you and tell you that you cannot be who you are to your core, rather how we want you to be, that might change too, depending on what expectations we need you to fulfill for us. These expectations are weaved so finely through cultural values and norms that it can be tricky to navigate. Like any other abuse it might take you a while to realize, therefore either it's important to know thyself which might take a good amount of process, or to know two basic rules of existence, two basic truths that would piss off many and where I might get the criticism of being cold just for sharing them here.
Rule #1: You don't owe anybody anything including your family
When you came to this world how much of a say did you have? The decision for you to be born how much of it was yours? When you came to this world by the time you made a sense out of it in any way, how many of you can say that you were not met by expectations of some sort or to some degree? Here is where in a perfect world, every child should have met with unconditionality to be loved and supported. Unconditionality requires acceptance without judgement and expectation. As long as you are not harming or violating another being (let it be another human or a tree) you don't owe anybody any grand explanation of why you might not wanna settle down, why you might be okay not being a doctor or engineer or having grand degrees, why you might wanna change what you believe in, why you might not see following your dreams is anyway unfair to your current partner and etc. The answer is unconditionality, to be loved and supported unconditionally by your loved ones and well wishers, and return the energy to them in the same way. Now, is there a problem?
Rule #2: It is absolutely grand to be a black sheep
If you ever felt like a disappointment to some important people in your life or any important person at any point of your life made you feel like you disappointed them just cause you wanted to be you. Let me tell you this, you did absolutely a grand job of being You. I did that grand job way more than anyone can assume, and I did it proudly. Choosing a total unusual way of living that aligns to your core is nothing to be ashamed about. May be you did not get a degree or got way too many degrees, may be you are the first one in your bloodline to defy conventional way of living, may be you don't seem to care about the things that you supposed to, may be you are still figuring out what you want from love in your 30s while your friends are having babies, may be you are so many other things except the things they want you to be. Whatever the case is, you are absolutely a grand Black Sheep and it is awesome! Now, is there a problem?
These two rules when are understood and applied, any cultural values and practices are bound to include 'unconditionality' into the memo. Culture, right there, cannot be used to abuse or control anyone, that way we might have one less trauma to worry about to our psyche. One less trauma to be triggered, projected, judged, and to be healed. With one less trauma, the world can be bit less dark. Another permanent way of dealing with any abuse is to take time to know yourself and building a deep relationship with yourself. When you are the only person who knows 'you' the best, do you think any one else got any chance to tell you otherwise?
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