After many MANY decades, today I watched the music video of the song 'Tanhayee' from the movie "Dil Chahta Hai (2001)" while scrolling through my Facebook home page when a friend shared the video. For those who never heard of this movie, it's a classic(!) Bollywood romantic movie starring i.e. Amir Khan, Pretty Zinta, Saif Ali Khan. This movie has a warm connection with my childhood, as I grew up in Dhaka, Bangladesh, Bollywood movies were part of everyday entertainment back in the day. Even though it has been years I have watched any Bollywood movies, I have always admired Amir Khan as an actor and a creative soul. Today's blog is neither about Amir Khan nor the movie, today's blog is about my realistic or rather analytic view on LOVE!
(Disclaimer: Please do not take my views personally, consider it as just another perception of just another person on Earth).
As a start, may I confess that in my life I have never been IN love with anyone. I have been in two long-term relationships and in an unsuccessful marriage, yet I was never been in love. Now, anyone can either judge me as an emotionally unavailable person who should not be this cold OR can question what was my understanding about love while I was in those situations. If you are wondering on the latter one, then may I ask you to watch the music video of the song 'Tanhayee'? In that video we can see, Akash and Shalini are in love with each other yet in a third party situation and throughout the song Akash is pissed and depressed and Shalini is helpless and depressed. Shalini has a controlling and possibly a textbook narcissistic fiancé, yet she is too helpless to get herself out of it. She seemed to be educated and from a well-off family who pretty sure do not hate her, yet she is putting herself with a person who bottom line do not respect her as a human being. The only way she can be saved is through Akash's bold wedding proposal! Like OMG!!
While growing up such movies can subconsciously condition your understanding on love and relationships. From a South Asian perspective, my understanding on love got conditioned through Bollywood movies and then got conflicted through Hollywood movies, afterwards when I looked around for reality my brain got confused AF, therefore, I genuinely never could fall in love with anyone. End of the day, my brain became a low key fan of Guy Ritchie's movies. Now, let's challenge this 'unhealthy' binary love conditioned through sorts like 'Tanhayee':
There is no such thing as 'love at first sight' with a stranger, it is biologically impossible. Usually the story goes the guy falls in love with the girl by just looking at her angelic face. Reality as it is, psychology of a male attraction does not lead with emotions rather biology, without judgment accept that. It is what it is, and it is 100% natural. Psychology of secure female also works in the similar way. However, if any party(guy/girl) falls in love at first sight, it indicates that they need to work on healing their codependency issues.
Falling in love is not this depressing and heavy period of back and forth longing for each other that ends with a happily-ever-after grand wedding or union. Falling in love starts with falling in unconditional love with yourself as you work to build a healthy, unconditional and strong relationship with yourself. When you start doing that, you become your own whole person, there is no missing pieces, there is no better half as it is no one's but your responsibility to complete you. Eventually you learn to accept nothing but unconditionality in terms of love and support that can only be 'enriched' by another whole person who has unconditional love for her/himself as well.
Love does not require one saving another from their helpless/miserable situation. No one needs saving when saving yourself is your responsibility to yourself. You definitely need unconditional support from your close ones, but end of the day you are powerful enough to save yourself (trust me on that one)!
Love is not an everlasting feeling, rather it is a process that starts with a choice. Longevity of love depends on how authentic you are as a person, how honest you are with your feelings, and how transparent you are with your communication. Toxic cycle, manipulation and mind games will take you so far down the spiral.
Will I ever be in love? Well, I have already started falling in love with myself everyday bit by bit, and I am seeing myself looking at the world through the lens of unconditionality and Ace of Cups! And it is a beautiful feeling. In other words, I am a complex creature who will accept nothing but unconditionality, authenticity and transparency. Now that's intriguing to me!!
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